Crazy Over Answering Machines
by HyperCLM
Summary: Rated K because I'm afraid. When the legendaries suddenly have trouble using their answering machines, they decide to exterminate the human population using those dang things. Also, they're trying to prevent the re-invention of answering machines by mind control. Yup, they're just going crazy over the answering machine, not the telephone! (No pairings.)


**A/N: I was supposed to be making an answering machine fanfic. However, I'm not sure if I can do it. So instead, this is a short fanfic about it. Also, I do not own Pokemon.**

 **This is an AU fanfic...and that may mean that everyone in this world is gaga over answering machines but not the phone itself.**

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The answering machine was something that we humans were sure to never have. Until we invented it. According to a legendary Pokemon by the name of Celebi, the answering machine was a timeless piece of technology the legendaries had from the very beginning. However, we had invented that ourselves in 1932.

On May 22, 1985, a legendary Pokemon by the name of Mew couldn't order his regular dose of sugar. Or rather, the store, one that loves selling sugar to Mew, didn't acknowledge his call, presumably from too many calls. Originally, he thought Celebi had cut off his telephone temporarily because according to a friend, entire towns had to shutdown to prevent Mew from unleashing his sugar-filled wrath. However, scientists say that there were 19 million people on answering machines (or telephones) when Mew tried to order his sugar.

On the next day, Mew wasn't able to send a death threat to Celebi. Or rather, Celebi didn't receive his death threat. Luckily, Celebi came to Mew's home, and told him that Latias wasn't able to receive Celebi's call, a friend that was willing to answer every _12,332_ of her daily calls. With a bit of discussion, and consultation from Uxie, the being of knowledge, they figure that there's too many people using the answering machine at once. Their plan? Spread mass destruction throughout the human world.

It was just a plan… until Arceus actually approved this plan in 1988 in a Hall of Origins meeting. Mostly due to Domino's unable to receive Arceus's telephone order of pizza. Celebi claimed to us that because of that, Arceus was forced to make his own pizza, and took him, in his words, "FOREVER AND A HALF AND THEN SOME."

So they eventually began spreading the mass destruction all over the world. They first targeted America. In here, Raikou just electrocuted all the power lines to kill anyone currently in their telephones. Then, they went for Europe, or "America Beta." There, Groudon caused such a huge earthquake, a 15.9 on the Richter Scale mind you, that a tsunami devastated cities all the way to Tokyo, and the Pokemon League!

I guess they were done because Australia was the only country/continent left with answering machine connections.

"They didn't attack Australia because none of us lived anywhere near there anyways, so we would just be doing pointless destruction." Celebi once said.

"Wait, wasn't it pointless to murder off 5 billion people, Celebi?" I asked.

"No, we had to show those humans who they're messing with." She replied, quite gleefully. "What was your name again?"

"Matthew…"

"Oh how very cute of a name, Matthew!" She gleefully flew all around my face, probably in cuteness. I'd like to admit that she's quite cute.

"Thanks…" I say to her. However, I also believe that being cute is a very advantageous trait, so I stay wary. I also have heard of rumors that if you get caught staring at Celebi, or _any_ of the cute legendary Pokemon, then they'll wipe your memory clean. In addition to that, you'll be praising them for everything they do, and claim they saved the world from some unseen evil. I presume they're talking about the Americans and Europeans who have used the answering machine too much.

Oh, look, Celebi moved to sit near me and is trying to stare at me. Guess I'll look above its head.

"Matt?" Celebi asks, trying to get me to initiate eye contact. However, I was and still am not a good person to socialize with in the first place. "Have you ever thought about love…?"

"I haven't…"

"Maybe you should ask me for advice… Not many people know this, but I'm a pretty good matchmaker."

I decide to accept. "Okay then. Who are you going to pair me up with?"

"Better pucker up." Celebi seductively whispers to me.

"Um… What." I just sat there, quite unsure what to do. Maybe she was interested in me for some random reason. Maybe this is a type of thing only Celebi does to keep people in check. ...perhaps this was the wrong choice because Celebi just pecked me on my forehead. Again, I utter, "W-what."

"I love you, Matt… I finally found the one I love." She told me. My heart is now beating more rapidly, and I just don't get it. "How do you feel towards me?"

It doesn't help that she's letting me hold her...and that..my body- oh no… My body- It's slowly coming towards Celebi to hold...and I have little control. Am I in love with this terrorizing legendary?! Guess that's how everyone in Australia feels. Terrorized. Confused. Happily in love.

"C-Celebi…" I whisper, and hold her very close to my chest. What is my body playing up to…?

"I-I-I…" I stopped myself from saying those three words. Fortunately, Celebi was forgiving. Forgivingly wrong.

"That's alright. I know you love me too…" Those were the last words that I heard her say, before I blacked out.

* * *

"...so...forget…...machine…..love…" I was slowly awakening, and I faintly heard a few of these words from Celebi. Fortunately, I acted as I was still asleep. She then pecked my forehead once more...and I nearly fell asleep again to a scent that's… I have no clue how to describe it...but only the smell of French Fries could keep me awake. Australia has a McDonald's? At least Celebi is gone for now. Well, perhaps I should go to where the French Fries are.

* * *

As soon as I go into the restaurant, apparently called McCelebi's, everyone cheered for me...for reasons I didn't know.

"Matt! Matt! Matt!" They cheered.

"Hey… I know it's great and all...but why are you guys cheering for me?" I asked, and scratched my head.

"Because…" The cashier began to explain, "...you somehow fended off against Celebi's attempt to convince you that the answer machine doesn't exist...and you also fended off against Celebi's attempt to get you to love and praise her." What. She was trying to get me to _praise_ her like a God?! How does this person know?

"Wow… I just want to know, do you have any idea what she was saying while I was asleep?" However, I am intrigued by the cashier's surprising knowledge about Celebi's tricks. I had to keep going.

"Do you remember anything she said? Were you, by chance, awake when she chanted a mind control speech?" The cashier asked me.

"There are four words that I was able to hear: so, forget, machine, love. Why?"

"I asked that because her full speech went like this: My Matt, my beautiful Matt… Oh how I treasure you so much… But you know? You also treasure me… You know? You're going to be willing to forget about the thing that's been stressing you so much… The answering machine… You'll be just fine without it, because you'll be madly in love with me. And you'll be praising me… It's going to be alright, Matt. It'll be alright… Looks like you barely made it by your teeth's skin."

"But, how do you know-?" I ask.

"Because all of our customers here, they've fended off against Celebi's mind control as well."

"I get it...but how do you know which customers are for Celebi and which ones aren't?"

"A password system."

"B-but you didn't ask me for a password!"

"I know, but we've witnessed you talking to Celebi. So we all panicked and gave our hope that our French Fries would distract you from Celebi's sleeping scent. It did."

"W-wow…"

"Don't worry, Matt. We'll get through this together! We'll recruit more people into this McCelebi establishment… and then take action!" The cashier cheered. Right afterwards, the entire restaurant cheered as well! "Oh, and here's your prize, Matt."

I accepted the prize, and opened the gift. It was… an answering machine! Yes!

Those legendaries think they're so clever with mass destruction to forcefully stop humanity from communicating with one another from long distances when the receiver can't respond… I have here, an item to entirely disprove that! Right here! You _will_ not stop me, legendaries!

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 **A/N: Matt is an OC. Considering that this is a world with humans and Pokemon, he's just a confused teen.**

 **Please read & review! All constructive criticism helps!**


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